Author Archives: nabillaadnann

few weeks ago, i was in preparation mode for my final. won’t claim that it was easy but all i could say is, it was bearable. and through out the preparation, i noticed some changes on myself which brought us to the discussion of today’s topic.

i personally own a habit where i love to predict the questions that will come out in the examination. for example, for our malaysian legal system’s paper, one of the topic that was listed is “islamic law as a source of law”. from the sub-topics, i will generate among expected questions and answers so that those ideas could guide me in answering later. as said, this is my style and this is what i usually do in study week. and to make sure i can do this, the basic thing that is needed is i have to know on what topics are going to come out in the examination first, and usually the lecturers will let the students aware of this, i guess that is how university works, maybe. [back then when i was in high school, they called this as ‘peruncingan’]

despite that, one of the subjects that i took this semester (which is the last paper) insisted to not give the peruncingan to the students based on the reason that it is going to be an open book test, hence this is not needed. well, i would not say that it is an issue but i noticed something a day before the paper of this subject.

usually, the night before or few hours ahead from the paper– i only do some light reading and scanning. or in simpler words, i didn’t study much. i spare some space in mine so that i won’t be overload until i cannot digest the questions later. but this style of mine changed when i was preparing for the last paper. i don’t really know sure what to guess and what to prepare except for well-understanding all of the topics. i was super anxious few hours before the paper started and i can barely nap in the afternoon since my brain keeps working on “what if the question asked this, am i prepared yet ?”. this whole situation was super different compared to my reaction for previous paper.

long, short story– i come to a conclusion ; we, human beings tend to be more scare especially in situation where we can’t even imagine and expect what would happen next.

iam not sure that if this applies to you but i think it is. we were scared to sit for our first paper of spm because we have no idea what would be asked. we were scared to begin our university life because we don’t know what should be done. we were scared to be friend with certain person because we can’t figure on which styles they are. we were scared to be in a team with strangers because their way of working are not something that we are familiar with. we are scared towards thing that we don’t know the answer.

and in case no one tell you, iam going to remind you that it is fine to feel so 🙂

it is fine to feel scared because we that is a sign that we take it seriously. and it is fine to feel scared because we want to control among things that we can.

but what more important is, we have to know on how to overcome this scared. living in it won’t help us to grow better unless we excel on how to turn it into something that is beneficial. different situation requires different approaches but the least that could be done is to remind ourselves that in the end, there are thousand things that are beyond our control. and for these thousand things, we let Him decides because His decision will harm no one 🖤.

and this remind me of one situation. few years back, a guy-senior of mine asked for a relationship advices thingy. it was a long conversation with him but i can re-call a part where i mentioned him regarding “make her feel belonged and give her that assurance”. i know some of the guy(s) always view girl(s) as a complicated human being, but i could guarantee you that the most crucial thing that you have to tick off from the list is to give her the assurance. provide her some insight on what would happen to both of you 5 and 10 years from now, so that she could view you as part of her future.

—- enough with the dr.cinta part, let us continue back to our point—-

again, my point is– it is okay to feel scared but knowing how to overcome it is more important. if you are scared upon things that you can make change (example ; preparation of exams, insight on your university life and the list goes on), then do something that you would happy to look over again.

no one is demand you to be perfect or to ace every exams or even to never face any heart breaks, but knowing what to expect is always better than not knowing what to expect.

p/s : it is been a year (plus minus) since my last post, but thank you for reading, if you are. iam doing fine, worry not but i dont think iam able to write (except the academical ones) unless it is semester break. i have lot more to share, but for now i think this is an end.

iam going to campus few more days from the day iam posting this. nothing more i hope except for du’a from everyone so that iam fine academically, physically and mentally. and i hope everyone is doing fine too ! never ever forget that be kind is always one of the options, but that is not the best option in every situation.

if you are struggling, just so do you know that it will end, soon, sooner than you thought ❤

love,
Bella ❤

i wont deny that with current evolvement of technology, each of us will surely own at least one social media that we are very attached to and so do i. but just because i also practice those habit, it doesnt mean that it is something right that everyone is supposed to stick to.

as how we already familiarised with before, it is impossible for one thing to exist without its pros and cons. and iam not going to being typical by listing out tonnes of social media’s cons because we have done thousands of essays on that 🤣.

even so, there are one of cons that writers rarely published on their blogs which make us barely notice it through out our usage.

i understand that with current situation where everyone is struggling to fit with, we tend to feel lot more emotional compared to before. and one of the cure that everyone is comfort with is by pouring it out. and i respect that solution because converting those feelings into words is one of the best way to help ourselves. (( not merely my opinion, but it is a fact– feel free to do your research, iam fine with that )). and the action of you finding remedy for your struggles and pains is something that deserves praises because there are lot more people who’s having same kind of shoes as yours but decided to keep it inside until it harms themselves even more.

i might not be the right one to comment on this since my situation might be way more easier compared to yours until i dont have to experience those days that you wish to erase for your life, alhamdulillah– but i will never forgive me if i dont explicit my words on this and something happens tomorrow.

in expounding your feelings and struggles, the main thing that we rarely notice is the place where we put it. i know social media supposed to be a safe place where we can simply post anything without the fear of being judged of being downgraded by others because that is the nature of social media but sadly, it is not. expressing your feelings and struggles on social media might not be the best choice that you are supposed to choose.

before iam explaining the reason why iam saying so, deeply from bottom of my heart, iam truly sorry if my opinion and words hurt you and make me seems like iam refusing to understand your situation and thought that life is only centered on me but again– iam sure on this🌻.

i was in your shoes where i think that pouring each and every feelings on social media is the best way ; we wont burdening others with our problems, we dont need to explain each feelings that we are battling with, we dont have to justify each and every action and the list goes on. (( if you dont believe that i once in these shoes, feel free to read my previous post : my love letter — i have shared more than required there ✌ ))

but incase i have to remind, social media is double edged sword where it can help you but it can simply kill you too. your followers might seem like care about you, but later– you will realise that some of them are only being curious and at that moment, you will suffer twice than before.

if i may describe on what are the differences between that two Cs, care and curious — i would begin it by saying that on the first basis, it is hard for us to differentiate between who is caring and who is curious because each and every sentences is the combination of both. but in measuring it– we will obviously look into which one is dominating because there are big differences between that two.

when someone is asking your well being because they are care towards you, they will focus on your condition and situation instead of asking those questions that are playing in their minds. they might ask question only because they want to understand your struggles but their main goal is not to get any answer in return, instead it is a method to express that you are their loved ones and they want you to know that. they encourage you to pour not to satisfy their curiousity, but to acknowledge you that you are not alone to go through that phase. they are there not to know why neither to know how, but they are there to remind you that you are worth more than you realise.

but sadly, if someone is asking you because they are curious– i could say that their main linchpin is to get answer from you to fulfill their questions. they dont really care the struggles that you are feeling, they just need the answer on why is that happened. just like how you curious in your lecture class, you will have continuous questions because that questions will help to generate your understanding once your lecture explains it to you again. and that’s the best analogy i could give for now. and if i may add, i wont hesitate to say that this attitude is kind of selfish because even at the moment where we see someone is struggling, we still insist to know the ingredient of that situation instead of helping them.

and before i continue, i just would like to disclaim that being curious isn’t bad at all. in situation where same problems happen repeatedly again and again, being curious is good to help us in understanding one problem better so that the advice that we are going to give fit the needs. but your curious has to suit the situation that you are helping.

and to avoid misunderstanding– my discussion is in the context of life-lessons, not the context of academic matters because if we are discussing in the context of academic, I WOULD LOVE TO SUGGEST EVERYONE TO BEING CURIOUS SO THAT IT HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND MORE AND BECOME SOMEONE THAT VALUE THE KNOWLEDGE, NOT ONLY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ( nampak tak saya bersemangat, tulis huruf besar ye sksksk )

and jumping back to our discussion, so what is the correlation ? and i personally would say, pouring on social media is not the best way even though it is your right because people there mostly are curious, not because they are care. wait– dont misinterpret my point. if you have followers that are very pure hearted and they really care about your well being and not only curious, alhamdulillah– good for you, iam happy for that.

but my opinion is on the basis that — ” if they really care, why did they let you pour on social media instead of asking your well being privately at the first place ? ” if someone decided to pour on social media, i could say that is the last choice that they have because most of the people will always avoid on showing the other sides of them there. and if they really care, why dont they voluntary offer themselves to hear you at the first place ? nope, iam not juding– iam just questioning the credibility and accountability.

i understand the curiousity when we read someone’s instastories where they pour their struggles but why do we need to wait until that level to ask their well-being while we have the choice to ask them waaay before. well, social media is toxic– and we all know that.

because of this love, i would say social media is not the best place even though it might one of the choice that you are owning. you might say that it is easier for me to say rather than done– but wait.

i was there girl, i was there in the phase ” this is my place, i have my right to post anything i want ” and i really post everything, be it a good one or a bad one. in other easy words, instagram stories used to be my digital diary. but that was all before.

and i stop, not only because the negativity is there but also because i realise how happier i could be when i less post and keep it to me. dont you ever tell that i dont understand while i began way before.

iam saying this not because i want to stop you from seeking help. go girl, seek help but make sure to seek the real help. iam pretty sure that there are more than one person in your circle that are s willing to hear you. (( and if you are reading this, it means that you are someone to me. come on, iam 24hrs free to listen to you. just hmu, iam will be there ))

and before i end, i would love to say that those are solely my mere opinions. others or even you might own a better one and i respect that. i do this not to influence others because i dont have that power, but iam doing this so that i could forgive myself if anything happen later.

whatever struggles that you are dealing with, even though it might seem small– it matters. never downgrade it and embrace the phase that you are walking through. keep moving and if you are given the chance to run, do run and not only remain walking. i cant guarantee you anything because i own no power, but iam sure– you are going to be proud in the future whenever you look back into today because you know how valuable these hard days are in shaping you into those successful person.

looking forward to say “those successful person is a friend of mine”. and i will never stop praying for your well-being.

till then, take care– hope to see you soon 🎈 !

Love,
Bella 🖤.

completed another semester 2 days ago and i decided to compile all of the instastories into one highlight. then, little do i realise– how iam terrified of failing 🙂

i just want to recap back what i have gone through before iam at where iam today. (as usual– wallahi, iam waaaaay far from where iam supposed to be, and i dont even know what He has planned for me, but may Allah protect my main intention of sharing here, always and forever.)

if you know me for more than two years, i guess you are supposed to realise how rough the path that iam going through before, and the path that iam still walking on. it is never an easy and smooth journey, just like what you are dealing with now. not much differ but your way might be tougher than mine– and if that is the case, iam praying the best for you.

can you imagine a sixteen years old girl dropping tears in front of her teacher in the class just because she didn’t manage to achieve the standard given ? well, it was horrible and it is not something that everyone planned to go through. but yes, i was that little girl.

and have you ever wondered how it feels to cry alone from 12am till 4.30am just because you thought that you messed up your future and you are disappointing people around you ? well, it was a nightmare and it is not something that a person is supposed to go through. but yes, i can still feel the pain till today.

neither to underestimate your phase nor to be proud of mine– but my point here is ; i was there at those terrible moments that you might think i wasn’t. and let us be real– we are normal human ; we own those pure feelings to make people around being proud of us. and for that pure feelings, i should hats-off.

and my point here is, be it in any phase that we are dealing with ; there will be thousands of moments that impacting our plans. to fail is not something that we should ashamed with, but to not standing up and running back on the right track is something that we should. there is no success that come without failure in the beginning, and that is fine. no one told you that you supposedn’t fail, they told you to keep soaring up– and there are big differences between that two.

if failing is the perfect step to make us realise more on what we are supposed to focus on, and why we are denying His plan ?

iam at your phase, i know how scared we are if we failed. i exactly know the feelings of doubting, thinking about giving up, deciding to let the world decide what it supposed to happen and many more feelings that waaaaay against our dream.

looking to those instastories, you might see me as a passionate Bella who owns big dreams and confident with each steps she is taking. but let me share that iam a normal human. no matter how clear i could see my journey, no matter how i know what i should do, no matter how smooth my current path is ; as mentioned– iam a normal human.

there are days where i woke up feeling great, having a nice breakfast and continue doing my studies 5 to 6 hours without break. there are days where i only spend one hour for an outline, submitting it to my lecturers and received it back with a good compliment. there are days where quizzes are my things and ace-ing it is my choice. there are days where assignments are in my control and i managed to score well. and these are what i reveal to you.

but then, there are also days where i randomly doubt my ability to continue law school. there are days where i dont feel like doing anything, and iam just want to let the world put me at where i supposed to. there are days where i cried asking what i supposed to do if my plan doesn’t go well. there are days where i stressed out without knowing what is the reasons behind it. and there are days where i randomly texted my favourite person, asking “what if this ?” “what if that ?” and many more nonesense statements that you might thought i never think off. (to that person, you know who you are. thank you for not letting me remain in that dark side, may Allah repay it with endless kidness. you deserve it !)

and if you are asking what i will do to deal with those moments, my answer would be ; i do cry, i embrace those feelings. i take a break and i pray. i pray to Him so that he guide me towards something great for my future so that i could contribute back to those person who are needed.

and my point here is, it is normal to feel so. just because i choose to expose my passionate side, it does not mean iam 24 hours passionate-person. there are phases where i required break and motivation. and for that phases, it is never a mistake to seek for help and feed your soul with what is needed.

after all, having big dreams is not wrong. passionate with the journey you are taking is not wrong. confident with every step in your days is not wrong. pushing yourself till the max is not wrong. but then, never forget that ; taking a break is also not wrong, doubting yourself is not wrong, seek for help is not wrong, stressing out is not wrong and even failing is not wrong. the only wrong thing is, when you decided to not seek any solutions to the phase you are in and that is the biggest mistake.

in the end, i will always pray the best for you. for those sadness that you are dealing with, may Allah replace it with something way more better. they never said that our journey will become the easy one, so i guess we should prepare more on what is coming in the future ! never shy to ask for help. you are not been classified as strong just because you dont seek for help, and you are not been classified as weak just because you find cure for you pain.

stay safe, and take care everyone ! hope to see you guys around soon !

love,
forever the one who loves to talk, Bella !

^incase you curious how i was during my dark minutes. here we go !

the next sentences are about me summing up my first semester, and my 2020 as well as updating what’s going on in my life. then again, it is about me talking about my life. if you dont feel like reading it, just dont.

when it comes to December, i usually will count it as a “pouring out month”. usually, i will write dozens of words and sending it to those people that i count as impactful for my year. if i need to tell the truth, here is the month. be it hurting or pleasing me later, i will always believe in telling and accepting the truth rather than leaving in my own imagination world.

*inhale*

last year December have been the most impactful one. not only affecting my whole 2020, but also my way of thinking and my life. alhamdulillah for that ❤, iam beyond grateful.

put aside that issue, let’s focusing on 2020. been thinking for few days already, i dont think that i have tonnes of paragraphs to wrap up this year. not because i doesnt have anyone that impacting my life, but because i believe the one that helped me a lot this year is me. i might sound selfish by saying that, but that is the truth.

Jan,Feb, March– the most messy beginning where i have been spending my days and nights with tears and finding myself, alone. i dont pour to anyone what i really feel deep inside there. iam struggling alone, iam healing on my own. March with SPM result hit me way different until the moment where i dont even understand me. the moment where i thought my dream end there, but then i was totally wrong back then. to build myself again, to strengthen my base again– i dont think i ever asked for help. and to be real– no one ever know that iam struggling with my spm result until i reveal my entry about my spm journey here 🙂 . nope, dont miss out my point– iam not saying some of you werent there for me, but it is my choice to done it by myself because iam tired of explaining and pleasing people.

April– different from March, April also hit me but not in March’s way. the quarantine began, it was Ramadhan but i still have issues that iam battling with. either you realise or not, this month is the month that i least communicate with anyone. iam kinda hiatus and even if iam having conversation with anyone, i will avoid certain topics that i count as toxic for my rebuilding process. but Ramadhan and MCO has been something that i will always miss. to spend time maximum-ly with my family in that beautiful month, i dont know how to describe how my soul was filled that time.

May– the greatest month ever. the month where i found myself again, in much more better version. in version that i really fall in love with. the month where i started to prioritise myself and my dream. the month where i could see my dream much more clear. the month where i started to value myself based on my own defination and not others’. the month where i started to less pleasing people and living my own life at the fullest.

June,July– much more better. i got my upu result in June that heal away all those spm’s pains. the beginning of me focusing more on my dream instead of other matters. the month where i use my own money to own my personal device. the month where i back on my track. i spent this month by hang-out with those persons that own a very special spot in my life.

Aug, Sep, Oct– the beginning of my new life. the first step towards my dream. to be honest, i was worried (as what i once wrote in my past entry). but CFS is superb. nothing to complain, nothing to rant, nothing to judge– because i choose to not. if i want to rant about assignments, lectures, quizzes, test, and etc obviously i could. but this is what i wanted since sixteen and i doesn’t have any other choice except enjoying and ace-ing it.

CFS, be it about people or facilities or environment– everything at the best place.

the students and lecturers there were amazing. to be in a place where everyone care only about their studies, their marks, their assignments is something that i really needed. no toxicness. their lecturer- cant be described. they are really open to explain for 231542 times, answering all those question be it the good ones or the stupid ones. they never judge any students based on previous perfomance or whatever, and still treat us the same. again, this is what i really needed.

i guess, for someone to potrays their best is by sitting at the right place. just like how a star can only function when it comes to be a perfect darkness for it to shine. (i could explain better but whatever, i know you can understand it). and cfs’s environment suit me well. put aside those culture shock and whatever thingy because that’s student’s choice, but it’s kinda hard to explain on how i could be super productive there. in other easy words– iam about to fall in love with cfs 🙂 , yup that quick.

Nov– this month more to me studying like there is no tomorrow because it was final exam there hahahahah. then 3 weeks of break that everyone really hype into. and how i spent my 3 weeks ? eating, sleeping, reading, Netflix, chilling. yup, saya tak study langsung, ada sikit cubaan untuk menulis memandangkan ada beberapa idea yang bermain di kepala, tapi gagal. (my bad, but when it comes to self-prioritise, saya tak rasa bersalah pun sksksksk).

*fast foward*

and here we are, Dec– if you asked what’s will happend in this month, i could easliy answer it– nothing fun for others, but a lot of fun for me. iam gonna start my second semester tomorrow, 6 weeks of online here and will continue another 6 weeks in campus later. i will have new section-mates tomorrow and experiencing new lecturers too. in other easy word– i will turn into my nerd mode 🤓. tapi saya nerd version menarik, trust me 😂. and this is how i will end my 2020, with lectures that iam excited to enjoy. i got my first semester result’s few days ago and it was great– alhamdulillah. (won’t reveal here, but why dont you try ws-ing me. mana tahu kot kot saya terbukak hati nak share, tapi tak janji hahahaha)

so that’s how my 2020 and first semester in law studies look like. nothing fun but iam enjoying it.

iam glad for all the pains that i have been through, because those are the reasons why iam here today. the reasons that shaped me to become much more better Bella. to be clear– thank you for breaking my heart, atleast i could shine better !

i might focusing more on myself after this, but just let me know if you NEED me.

if you are asking for my last advice in 2020, i would say be kind, to everyone and especially to our souls. dont ever take things for granted. even we might think we dont, just think again. look at those people that provide times in their days just to make sure we are fine, go appreciate them– not only thank them. if someone seek for advices, let them feel needed, dont compare their problems with yours. if their thought would only end up with you ranting about your problems too– i dont wonder anymore why people choose to bottle it up. take care and dont forget to value yourself. just because you think you want it, it doesnt mean your soul need it too. feed yourself with what your soul need. if thing that you are working on drive you towards more bad things rather than good ones, think again– there is no reason to fight for that 🙂

since this will become this last entry for 2020, i would say that this is the greatest place for me to pour what i really feel without any need to explain longer. #energysaving. thank you for being part of it, i wuv you.

p/s ; special thank you for the human that always be there to teman me until 3am while iam doing my assignments or notes or just to fix my moods. thank you for making my life much more messier but also better 🤪.

Love,
Bella 💞.

^one of the evidences that iam enjoying there !

have you ever been in a situation where you saw something and the only thought that keeps playing in your mind is “this human has been raised up well, his/her parents should be proud” ?

well as for my side, iam grateful because i was given few chances to experience it. seingat saya, the latest situation that drops me into that kind of thought is when i found out about @this.7 went out from his place only to receive a birthday gift from a teenager. i randomly felt that it was a warm-hearted situation and the above thought keep playing in my mind despite how many times i repeat the video.

when i was younger, i thought that being kind is necessary because we want to be treated the same. but as i grow older, i slowly realise that the main reason for us to be kind is not because we want to be treated the same but because that is our choice to being so. why am i saying so ? because with nowadays world, it is rare for us to meet someone that willingly to treat us as how we treated them before. keeping that kind of mindset will only end up making us feel disappointed for not receiving the same treat. this disappointment are actual poison because we might end up with a new mindset where we will simply say “even if iam treated her/him well, i will not receive the same treatment. so there is no point for me to being kind anymore.”

most of the time i feel it is quite weird how someone can miss pointing our kindness towards them. that is how sick the current world is. whenever they been treated with something bad, they question why there is no more other kind person out there. but when they been given with dozens of kindness, they miss point it and thought there are reasons behind those kindness. and i wonder, what are we supposed to do then.

my main point of writting is not to lecture anyone, but to remind myself and my loved ones too. first– whenever we do kind, expect nothing because it is quite imposibble for that kindness to come again to us in the same way. let those kindness become the evidence that we have done our part. second– whenever you been shower by kindness, stop questioning, stop making stupid assumption. people dont need reason to be kind, they just need heart. imagine you are in a situation where you gave your best to protect the person that you think may deserve, but you end up realising that they are questioning the reason behind your kindness. they miss-point your kindness, they thought you have something to achieve by being kind towards you. imagine how disappointed you will be, and imagine bagaimana keadaan hati awak ketika itu, into how many pieces will it break.

even a toughest person can fell because of words. if you are desperate to know why they treat you in that beautiful way, text them, call them– ask them to talk from heart to heart. don’t make stupid assumption, don’t break someone heart with your own words. when someone is struggling while serving the best to you, that’s not help– because that’s love. we will never know what someone has faced only to be there for us. we will never know what someone has sacrificed just to see us smiling again. we will never know how much they hold, just to create space for us. and are we cruel enough to kill those beautiful souls only with our words ? and are we statisfied enough with what we said if the next day that person does not exist anymore ? well, iam questioning me too.

if you have the choice to choose, always choose to be kind.

p/s ; if you think that this entry is quite emotional, it is because i put my feelings inside it. sorry 🙂

Love,
Bella ❤ !

more than a month here– iam still Bella. if you ask me what’s changing, my answer would be ; “nothing change, except for your girl getting stronger and wiser day by day”. sounds cliche, but that’s the truth.

entering to the phase that i have been waiting for so long, it is not only about those happy side, also about the tough one.

if you are curious what’s going on with my life, let me sum it up for you ;
– weekdays ; wake up, prepare myself to the library or classes, lunch, either library or classes again (HAHAHAHA), back to my room, dinner, revision and sleep !

-weekends (mcm fun sikit, mcm la.) ; wake up lambat ikitt hihi, prepare myself, kemas
my compartment, either buat notes or assignments or revisions or group discussion, lunch, long nap HAHAHA, jalan jalan stadium, dinner, study stuffs and sleep ! (( itu kalau minggu ada kerja banyak la, kalau minggu takdek kerja, i would watch movie, lepak cafe lama lama, dengar lagu sambil conteng and bazirkan masa la 🤣.))

but yea, not everyday went as smooth as what i wrote. semestinya ada hari yang i woke up with full of spirits, buat kerja dekat library 5 to 6 hours non stop and also ada hari yang i boleh focus on laptop 3 jam and siapkan mana mana assignment yang ada sekelip mata, but still ada hari yang i broke down to the lowest point of myself– the moment where i tak tahu nak share dengan sapa, the moment where i rasa i tak nak tempat meluah sebab i just wanna be home, the moment where i rasa i tanak cakap apa apa and just nak someone call me so that all those feelings fade away. but in the end, turning back to Him is my choice.

answering why iam writting today, not only because saya free takdek apa apa nak buat, but i need to pour out as much as i can so that i will stay sane. so that i could clear some space inside me for things that coming.

these few weeks have been quite tough for me (and everyone i guess) where i have to maximise my time at the library so that i can finish more works, where i have to push myself so that i could done those self-note that i love to do, where i always end up laying on the bad and crying alone so that the burden feel little lesser. no, iam not complaining, iam not saying that iam happy– but iam trying to share that it is fine to have bad days after dozen of good days.

this entry messy, i know. but i dont have time to plan what i write but i still need to write, so tadaaaaa. in the end, semua yang kita rasa tu, semua matter. no one has the right to underestimate apa kita rasa, no one has the right to judge apa kita lalui and no one has the right to paksa kita stay possitive. so dont let them control you. just embrace with what you feel and i hope you wake up the next day with better feelings. being apart from family obviously makes us feel like we dont have any place to hold to– but then, that is a lie. because they will always be there for us. seek for help and dont feel bad for doing so. just because you accept someone help, it doesnt mean you weak. because it means you normal ❤. just want to let you know that there is no day passed without me praying the best to all of us. may Allah ease our way and shower us with His non-stop blessings.

goodluck everyone ! we have started, so there is no other reason to stop unless we have finish it with the goals that achieved ❤. keep going, keep moving– there are dozens of hope that you need to statisfy.

iam sorry for these quite messy writting, because iam obviously dont have enough time. i hope everyone doing well and aware that iam always here for all of you. gtg because your girl need to do what she have to do ! take care !

Love,
Bella 💕 !

disclaimer ; this entry might be extra long and super duper messy– i dont arrange it into a flow that i supposed to, i dont make any grammar check, i dont proof-read before publishing and i skipped many more steps. so please bare with all those flawS that you are going to meet. thank you ❤ !

.

.

do you really sure that the happiness we feel (or maybe felt ) is only because we deserve it ? well, some kindness might happen in our life as a return of the kindness that we have done before. but, i always believe that there are some happiness we feel today is not only because we deserve it, but also because Allah is currently makbul-ing the du’a of other people.

dalam diam, we never know which beautiful soul is asking Allah to shower us with His bless.
dalam diam, we never know which beautiful soul is asking Allah to protect us from any harmness.

answering why i always ask myself to keep telling people that they are matter– not because iam a person who loaded with positivity, but i want people to feel appreciated. then they might pray for my happiness. and their du’a might be the reason why iam smiling most of the time. simple as that.

after publishing my last post, i feel bad for not write any special words to everyone of you. i feel bad for leaving you guys in that “hanging” position.

well, as what i said before– saya menulis pada asalnya kerana saya perlukan satu tempat untuk meluahkan semua pandangan, pendapat dan perasaan yang saya rasa tanpa saya perlu takut untuk dihukum. saya perlukan tempat yang saya dapat meluah tanpa perlu berselindung dengan perasaan saya. saya perlukan tempat yang saya dapat meluah tanpa perlu memberikan penerangan yang panjang. bukan kerana kawan kawan saya tak cukup memahami, but explaining requires energy you know. kadang kadang pemahaman orang dengan penerangan kita tak sama. kadang kadang reaksi orang dengan jangkaan kita jauh berbeza. kadang kadang jawapan orang tak sama dengan apa mereka betul betul fikir. maka sebagai langkah yang kurang berisiko, saya menulis.

sampai satu masa, saya rasa keadaan yang saya alami turut dialami oleh orang lain. struggle mereka lagi jauh mencabar berbanding saya. dan saya memilih untuk expose sebahagian daripada penulisan saya kepada beberapa orang yang saya percaya. dan saya rasa tindakan saya tidak pernah salah. saya menulis tanpa paksaan, tanpa jangkaan. saya menulis bukan untuk impress sape2, bukan untuk pujian sape2, tapi untuk berkongsi rasa yang saya alami.

long short story, here iam today. writting with love and little tears before taking space from posting anything 🤣.

saya taknak pesan banyak, sebab saya bukan mak mak 😂. dan pesanan saya satu je– take care, forever and always.

beware in the new environment,
jangan mudah terpengaruh, jangan mudah terpedaya. just because most of the people do it, doesnt mean it is a right thing. have your own principe, and stick to it– even if you have to be alone. you know you better.

beware in choosing your circle.
jangan mudah percaya orang, jangan terlalu baik. dunia ini kejam, begitu juga penghuninya. quality is always better than quantity. tapi kalau ditakdirkan awak diletakkan bersama jutaan orang yang baik, alhamdullilah– itu rezeki awak.

take care of you mental health.
i might wont be there 24 hours to remind you that you are matter, but always know that you are. just because everyone doesnt believe in you yet, it doesnt mean you cant ace it. stop insecuring about yourself. you doesnt need anyone to puji you just to prove that you are pretty. you doesnt need deretan of As just to prove that you have done a good work. and you doesnt need to capai other people punya kayu ukur just to prove your succeness. as long as you being you, you do your best– that’s enough.

take care of your heart too 👀. (someone might think this is nonesense, but we are talking about the truth sayang, nak bitter jangan baca sini 😚)
selamat datang ke gedung mencari jodoh (IAM KIDDING OBV 😎). goodluck in finding your life partner. it is like a puzzle game– you need to find a piece that really fit in your missing place. and if you dont want to choose a wrong piece, so dont rush in making decision. just because everyone else already have their partner, doesnt mean you need it to. make sure you are totally ready, then you are allow to go. but, jangan pernah lupa niat asal kita. kita ada impian untuk dicapai, kita ada jiwa untuk dibanggakan, kita ada cita cita untuk dipenuhi. cinta takkan buat sesiapa kaya, jangan pernah lupa apa priorities kita ❤.
(special part ; for those who are going to apart with their partner, tak kesah la bff ke sape2 ke– i wish the best to both of you. not gonna lie, it is going to be tough but you both are going to decide which ending you are going to experience. and i will surely pray the best for everyone. goodluck !)

saya rasa dah cukup panjang dah penulisan kalini. terima kasih kerana tidak pernah berhenti meluangkan masa untuk membaca disini. moga manfaat dikongsi dan keburukkan kita biar dekat sini je.

ouh sebelum terlupa– andai sepanjang perkenalan kita ada perbuatan dan tutur kata saya yang menyakiti dan mengguris hati sesiapa, saya harap perkara tu dah lama dimaafkan. saya takde berkecil hati with anyone, dont worry. thank you for becoming a part of my journey, thank you for being the light in every darkness, thank you for always believing in me and thank you for accepting me as who iam. words arent enough to describe how thankful iam to own all of you in my life.

doa saya untuk semua takkan pernah putus. semoga semua diberi kekuatan untuk menempuh kehidupan baru, dipermudahkan segala urusan dan disirami dengan kejayaan yang tidak pernah putus. doakan saya disini juga ❤. semoga persahabatan yang terjalin tidak terhenti dipertengahan jalan dan tidak berakhir dengan perkara yang tidak diingini. goodluck all to all future teachers(s), doctor(s), science people, architecture, and many more manusia berguna that i might forget to list out. semoga membesar jadi orang yang berguna dan membanggakan semua. tak sabar nak tengok semorang post gambar graduation uni !

selamat bertebaran ke seluruh pentas dunia. semoga pulang dengan sesuatu yang bukan sahaja membanggakan namun turut berguna. can’t wait to say “those successful people are my best friend” ❤.

Love,
the future lawyer ( cpt aamiin-kan !)
Bella ❤.

not gonna lie— i have been quite sensitive this lately. i been observing and thinking a lot, i been predicting too much, i been wondering what will happen next, i been doubting me and i been comparing myself to anyone else.

easy to conclude– iam not living in the moment that iam currently in.

if you ask me what are going on in my mind, i can straightly answer ; the uni life. for some people who knows me well, this version of me might seem weird to them as they know how excited i was to enter my uni life. but behind those excitedness, iam also scared. iam also doubting.

— iam doubting whether iam ready enough to live on my own.

–iam doubting whether iam well prepared to compete with other people that i never know before.

–iam scared if i cant catch up the syllabus well.

–iam scared if i cant perform excellently in every test.

–iam scared if iam left out as the most “tak pandai” student, because wallahi i really hate to be in that kind of feeling. (read ; perasaan dimana rasa diri adalah orang paling tak pandai dan tak function)

if i have to list down all those thought(s) and all those “what if” that have been playing in my mind, i bet this gonna be the most longest entry (LOL 🤣).

but,
as what i said to my best friend before– in the end, there are billions of things that we cant control. and for all things that out of our knowledge and power, all we can do is letting Him decide it for us as pengetahuan-Nya much more better than ours.

worrying isn’t bad, but it wont help anything. it only makes us suffer twice. doubting isn’t wrong, but there is no anyone else that can believe in ouselves the most, except us. and feeling scared is normal as we are going to experience the new environment that we were never been there before, but we will survive. just how we survived before– no worries ✨❤.

and,
if you are currently in the same phase as mine, all i can say is it’s fine. as how i can get better day by day, and so do you. just hold on, and embrace the moment. all those hard days will end soon. iam saying these, not to underestimate your feelings. but iam saying these based on the fact that “a phase will seem much more easier after we survived it”.(alaaaaa, mcm skang ni. kalau adik2 mintak tips spm dari kita, kita mesti akan cakap “have fun”. sbb it seems easier for us. tapi masa kita nak spm dulu, kalau org ckp dkt kita “have fun” kita mesti rasa mcm “whaaaaaat ?!” haaa itu la perbandingannya). we can do this, i know. He wont put us there, if we arent fit enough to be there 💌.

but, besides those ketakutan dan keraguan– i sometimes smiled a looot, because iam proud. not only with myself, but with all of my friends. because two years ago, i never imagined us to be at where we are right now.

.

dear everyone yang tengah baca ni,
it isnt matter which path are you taking after this (or currently in), how long it is going to take you to graduate, which state you are going to berhijrah in, what scholorship are you in or even how popular your studying place will be–because those things cant describe you, it cant express the spirit that inside you, it cant explain what you have been through and the most important is it cant stop you from catching your dream(s). because your dream, will always be yours. no matter how long it takes you to finally achieve it, it will always be an achievement that you should proud on. dont let this stop you from dreaming. dont let this become your measurement of succeness, because it will never be.

“kalau nak bermimpi, biar sampai bintang. kalau tak capai bintang, jatuh atas langit pun cukup” – my Ustazah Zunaidah ❤

if you are written to get into your dream course and uni– then Alhamdulillah, good for you. but if it happens not as what we planned, just believe in Him. He knows what the best for us, and He will always know.

wherever you are going to berhijrah after this, i really hope that you take care of yourself well. dimana pun kita dicampakkan, semoga kita sentiasa menjadi manusia yang bukan sahaja berjaya namun turut menyenangkan orang lain. if you think you have done something that you shouldnt before, so now is the perfect time for you to start something that you will proud to look back, one day later.

dan dari lubuk hati yang terdalam, i will never stop proud-ing for having you guys as my friend. as what i told my junior before ; work hard, play harder !

p/s ; this entry might be quite messy compared the others, sebab otak saya pun dalam keadaan begitu 🤣, ampunnn.

p/ss ; kalau saya diajukan soalan “lepas masuk uni, akan terus menulis tak ?”, saya akan balas dengan senyuman je la. dan sejujurnya saya takde jawapan, buat masa sekarang. saya menulis pada asalnya untuk menghilangkan bosan dan meluahkan perasaan, bukan untuk dibaca oleh sape2, tapi yea– akan difikirkan di kemudian hari. because your girl is currently preaparing herself to work on her dream(s), doakan !

p/sss ; “so ni entry terakhir la buat masa ni ?”. dan juga takdek jawapan. saya menulis tanpa paksaan dan tekanan dari sape2. mungkin ada, mungkin takde. tak janji ❤. but thank you for reading walaupun kadang kadang2 mcm apo je saya menulis 🤣.

Love,
the girl that always write from what is inside her heart
Bella ✨.

yesterday evening was a random one– i talked with yana. from discussing about the uni life, we suddenly jumped into gadget conversation and into iphone topics. it was a nice dropping opinions session but i also realised something about myself.

saya manusia normal, keinginan kita tak jauh beza. but iam not an old Bella anymore, not the Bella who measured her happiness based on materials.

i wont deny that if i can get all those materials that i really want, it can make me happy.
–but then i know. it wont last forever. the “in-trend” stuffs will always be replaced with something new.

i wont deny that if i can turn back time and change all those stupid mistakes, it can make me happy.
–but then i realised. if i could change everything, saya takkan berdiri dimana saya berada dengan kekuatan ini. all those mistakes is the reason why iam improving myself day by day.

i wont deny that if i can turn back time and experience the same things again, it can make me happy.
–but then i discover. if i could repeat the same memories again and again, i wont appreciate every moment that i have, just because i know that i can feel it again.

i wont deny that if i can make someone loves me forever, it can make me happy.
–but then i noticed. no matter how hard i try, they will surely leave me — sooner or later. maybe they wont leave me because of someone else, but they will leave me to meet the Creator.

i wont deny that if i can get easier way to achieve my target, it can make me happy.
–but then iam sure. i wont appreciate every single hard works that i made and the statisfaction wont be same.

wait,
jangan salah faham lagi. saya bukan nak judge awak. if you are happy with those small little things, alhamdullilah– good for you.

dan saya, bukan saya tak happy dengan semua tu, cuma tu bukan ukuran kebahagian saya. kerana bagi saya, definisi bahagia itu subjektif dan luas. and my definition would be ; iam totally bahagia when iam at a position where i appreciate everything around me, even at the moment saya tak suka pun keadaan tu ❤.

no, iam not trying to lecture you. iam not trying to say your defination of happiness is wrong. iam not trying to say that your happiness is temporary. but iam trying to share with you, how happy you could be if you started to view your current position in different side.

i also was once in a place where i thought “kalau aku ada ni, mesti aku happy”, “kalau lahir lahir anak orang kaya, mesti best”. but comparing what i have with someone who own something better than mine– wont help me at any point. pointless.

saya normal, kadang ada waktu saya imagine untuk ada kehidupan dari sisi yang berbeza. but instead of berimaginasi kosong, saya simpan setiap details imaginasi saya– supaya ia bertukar menjadi impian yang akan saya usahakan. dan milikinya, satu hari nanti– doakan ❤.

we move too fast. kadang sampai tak sedar, kita sebenarnya dah berada di tempat lebih daripada selesa. sometimes, all we need is to pause for a while– look around and realise, how far you have come from where you were before. that’s it 🥺.

wallahi, iam not from a rich family. iam from an average one. but my family always tried their best to provide what i need. even not what i dream. there is where i learn to appreciate every single things that i have. there is where i learn to always bersyukur dan merasa cukup. itu sahaja.

iam not good at writting, tapi kalau saya diberi peluang– there are more than tonnes of story that i would love to share, so that you can view your life better. this topic is too big for a little girl like me to write it well, but i tried my best. iam good at talking, not writting– hmu if you ever feel bad about yourself. will surely be there to help you, no worries 💕.

ukuran kebahagian itu pada dasarnya harus menjadi sesuatu yang kekal, yang sentiasa relevan dan tidak pernah berubah. ukuran kita mungkin berbeza, but your happiness shouldnt be something that non-temporary. namun doa saya semoga awak sentiasa bahagia walau tanpa perkara yang awak impikan ✨.

Love,
Bella ❤.

growing up as a bella, having my siblings on my side thru my ups and downs have become something that I could never enough to thank for. and owning acik in my life is a very special gift that I ever received. she is not only a sister for me, but also my partner for every single things I do, my loyal-est supporter, my very penyabar listener and the best-est friend I ever have.

becoming my very rapat sister isn’t an easy task. the moment she have to deal with my degil-ness, my bekeng-ness, my tak penyabar-ness, my suka menjawab-ness and many more bad traits really tested her inside and out. but no matter how mad she is, she will always gave her best to potray a good traits for me. she always put all of her efforts in making sure she’s become a person that I can contohi. it wasn’t easy, but everyone know—she tried her best-est.

to be at where iam (tak cakap saya berada pada tempat yang terbaik, masih jauh untuk membanggakan orang sekeliling– namun berada di permulaan yang cukup baik), she has become one of the most important person. i can remember clearly my every bad days, despite how busy she was– she would never fail to pickup my call and comfort me at her best. even at the moment where no one believe in me, including myself– she still become the one who have the confident that her little sister still have hope to become the greatest. through up my every heart broken ((bella and her dramas 👑)), she is the one that i will never shy to pour out how dissapointed i was. no matter how geram she was, sebab biasanya semua heart broken terjadi sebab saya stupidly tak dengar nasihat dia 🤣, she will surely comfort me and convince me that i will surely find someone much more better soon 👀.

and now, she is still the Acik that i know. the soft one, yet the strongest. no matter what you are currently dealing with acik, iam sure that you will get through this one– just like how you went through all of this, before. this is not the ending, but just another chapter that you have to dance on like usual. just another chapter that you will scribble on. and surely, another chapter that you will proud to look back in the future– because you ace on this, just like how you usually did before ❤. even no one tell you, iam superly confident that you know, we will surely be on your side– helping you to get over this.

acik, you are my best-est sister ✨. eventough you might think you failed to make me proud all this while, deep inside iam proud to claim you as my sister. iam proud to tell everyone that you are the one who put me at where iam, and you are the one who mould me to become as how iam today. you have done so well, you have came so far, you have win so many times, and yes– you will finish all of this with smile and laugh. trust me, you will wake up one day with truth that all of these are done. you will wake up to the fact that you are living in your dream house, owning your favourite car, married to someone that you love and many more good things. just hold on, sikit je lagi– and everything will become as how it was before.

no matter how annoying, degil, pemalas, suka menjawab, bekeng and many more– i will surely pray the best for you. may your upcoming days become much more easier, dan semoga segala dipermudahkan oleh-Nya, dan semoga tiada satu pun yang berlaku tanpa keberkatan Nya. you are strong enough for this, answering while you are the one yang diuji, bukan adik– because iam not strong enough mcm acik. adik tayam acik, banyak banyak. may no more sad tears fall after this, because that is not the version of you that i love to see. adik tayam acik, banyak gila ❤. hold your heart, close your eyes– these will end, soon. sooner that you thought.

p/s; you can drop few good words for acik down there, she will love to read that 👀.

Love,
not bella, but proudly Acik’s little sister.