fervent.

completed another semester 2 days ago and i decided to compile all of the instastories into one highlight. then, little do i realise– how iam terrified of failing 🙂

i just want to recap back what i have gone through before iam at where iam today. (as usual– wallahi, iam waaaaay far from where iam supposed to be, and i dont even know what He has planned for me, but may Allah protect my main intention of sharing here, always and forever.)

if you know me for more than two years, i guess you are supposed to realise how rough the path that iam going through before, and the path that iam still walking on. it is never an easy and smooth journey, just like what you are dealing with now. not much differ but your way might be tougher than mine– and if that is the case, iam praying the best for you.

can you imagine a sixteen years old girl dropping tears in front of her teacher in the class just because she didn’t manage to achieve the standard given ? well, it was horrible and it is not something that everyone planned to go through. but yes, i was that little girl.

and have you ever wondered how it feels to cry alone from 12am till 4.30am just because you thought that you messed up your future and you are disappointing people around you ? well, it was a nightmare and it is not something that a person is supposed to go through. but yes, i can still feel the pain till today.

neither to underestimate your phase nor to be proud of mine– but my point here is ; i was there at those terrible moments that you might think i wasn’t. and let us be real– we are normal human ; we own those pure feelings to make people around being proud of us. and for that pure feelings, i should hats-off.

and my point here is, be it in any phase that we are dealing with ; there will be thousands of moments that impacting our plans. to fail is not something that we should ashamed with, but to not standing up and running back on the right track is something that we should. there is no success that come without failure in the beginning, and that is fine. no one told you that you supposedn’t fail, they told you to keep soaring up– and there are big differences between that two.

if failing is the perfect step to make us realise more on what we are supposed to focus on, and why we are denying His plan ?

iam at your phase, i know how scared we are if we failed. i exactly know the feelings of doubting, thinking about giving up, deciding to let the world decide what it supposed to happen and many more feelings that waaaaay against our dream.

looking to those instastories, you might see me as a passionate Bella who owns big dreams and confident with each steps she is taking. but let me share that iam a normal human. no matter how clear i could see my journey, no matter how i know what i should do, no matter how smooth my current path is ; as mentioned– iam a normal human.

there are days where i woke up feeling great, having a nice breakfast and continue doing my studies 5 to 6 hours without break. there are days where i only spend one hour for an outline, submitting it to my lecturers and received it back with a good compliment. there are days where quizzes are my things and ace-ing it is my choice. there are days where assignments are in my control and i managed to score well. and these are what i reveal to you.

but then, there are also days where i randomly doubt my ability to continue law school. there are days where i dont feel like doing anything, and iam just want to let the world put me at where i supposed to. there are days where i cried asking what i supposed to do if my plan doesn’t go well. there are days where i stressed out without knowing what is the reasons behind it. and there are days where i randomly texted my favourite person, asking “what if this ?” “what if that ?” and many more nonesense statements that you might thought i never think off. (to that person, you know who you are. thank you for not letting me remain in that dark side, may Allah repay it with endless kidness. you deserve it !)

and if you are asking what i will do to deal with those moments, my answer would be ; i do cry, i embrace those feelings. i take a break and i pray. i pray to Him so that he guide me towards something great for my future so that i could contribute back to those person who are needed.

and my point here is, it is normal to feel so. just because i choose to expose my passionate side, it does not mean iam 24 hours passionate-person. there are phases where i required break and motivation. and for that phases, it is never a mistake to seek for help and feed your soul with what is needed.

after all, having big dreams is not wrong. passionate with the journey you are taking is not wrong. confident with every step in your days is not wrong. pushing yourself till the max is not wrong. but then, never forget that ; taking a break is also not wrong, doubting yourself is not wrong, seek for help is not wrong, stressing out is not wrong and even failing is not wrong. the only wrong thing is, when you decided to not seek any solutions to the phase you are in and that is the biggest mistake.

in the end, i will always pray the best for you. for those sadness that you are dealing with, may Allah replace it with something way more better. they never said that our journey will become the easy one, so i guess we should prepare more on what is coming in the future ! never shy to ask for help. you are not been classified as strong just because you dont seek for help, and you are not been classified as weak just because you find cure for you pain.

stay safe, and take care everyone ! hope to see you guys around soon !

love,
forever the one who loves to talk, Bella !

^incase you curious how i was during my dark minutes. here we go !