concluding.

the next sentences are about me summing up my first semester, and my 2020 as well as updating what’s going on in my life. then again, it is about me talking about my life. if you dont feel like reading it, just dont.

when it comes to December, i usually will count it as a “pouring out month”. usually, i will write dozens of words and sending it to those people that i count as impactful for my year. if i need to tell the truth, here is the month. be it hurting or pleasing me later, i will always believe in telling and accepting the truth rather than leaving in my own imagination world.

*inhale*

last year December have been the most impactful one. not only affecting my whole 2020, but also my way of thinking and my life. alhamdulillah for that ❤, iam beyond grateful.

put aside that issue, let’s focusing on 2020. been thinking for few days already, i dont think that i have tonnes of paragraphs to wrap up this year. not because i doesnt have anyone that impacting my life, but because i believe the one that helped me a lot this year is me. i might sound selfish by saying that, but that is the truth.

Jan,Feb, March– the most messy beginning where i have been spending my days and nights with tears and finding myself, alone. i dont pour to anyone what i really feel deep inside there. iam struggling alone, iam healing on my own. March with SPM result hit me way different until the moment where i dont even understand me. the moment where i thought my dream end there, but then i was totally wrong back then. to build myself again, to strengthen my base again– i dont think i ever asked for help. and to be real– no one ever know that iam struggling with my spm result until i reveal my entry about my spm journey here 🙂 . nope, dont miss out my point– iam not saying some of you werent there for me, but it is my choice to done it by myself because iam tired of explaining and pleasing people.

April– different from March, April also hit me but not in March’s way. the quarantine began, it was Ramadhan but i still have issues that iam battling with. either you realise or not, this month is the month that i least communicate with anyone. iam kinda hiatus and even if iam having conversation with anyone, i will avoid certain topics that i count as toxic for my rebuilding process. but Ramadhan and MCO has been something that i will always miss. to spend time maximum-ly with my family in that beautiful month, i dont know how to describe how my soul was filled that time.

May– the greatest month ever. the month where i found myself again, in much more better version. in version that i really fall in love with. the month where i started to prioritise myself and my dream. the month where i could see my dream much more clear. the month where i started to value myself based on my own defination and not others’. the month where i started to less pleasing people and living my own life at the fullest.

June,July– much more better. i got my upu result in June that heal away all those spm’s pains. the beginning of me focusing more on my dream instead of other matters. the month where i use my own money to own my personal device. the month where i back on my track. i spent this month by hang-out with those persons that own a very special spot in my life.

Aug, Sep, Oct– the beginning of my new life. the first step towards my dream. to be honest, i was worried (as what i once wrote in my past entry). but CFS is superb. nothing to complain, nothing to rant, nothing to judge– because i choose to not. if i want to rant about assignments, lectures, quizzes, test, and etc obviously i could. but this is what i wanted since sixteen and i doesn’t have any other choice except enjoying and ace-ing it.

CFS, be it about people or facilities or environment– everything at the best place.

the students and lecturers there were amazing. to be in a place where everyone care only about their studies, their marks, their assignments is something that i really needed. no toxicness. their lecturer- cant be described. they are really open to explain for 231542 times, answering all those question be it the good ones or the stupid ones. they never judge any students based on previous perfomance or whatever, and still treat us the same. again, this is what i really needed.

i guess, for someone to potrays their best is by sitting at the right place. just like how a star can only function when it comes to be a perfect darkness for it to shine. (i could explain better but whatever, i know you can understand it). and cfs’s environment suit me well. put aside those culture shock and whatever thingy because that’s student’s choice, but it’s kinda hard to explain on how i could be super productive there. in other easy words– iam about to fall in love with cfs 🙂 , yup that quick.

Nov– this month more to me studying like there is no tomorrow because it was final exam there hahahahah. then 3 weeks of break that everyone really hype into. and how i spent my 3 weeks ? eating, sleeping, reading, Netflix, chilling. yup, saya tak study langsung, ada sikit cubaan untuk menulis memandangkan ada beberapa idea yang bermain di kepala, tapi gagal. (my bad, but when it comes to self-prioritise, saya tak rasa bersalah pun sksksksk).

*fast foward*

and here we are, Dec– if you asked what’s will happend in this month, i could easliy answer it– nothing fun for others, but a lot of fun for me. iam gonna start my second semester tomorrow, 6 weeks of online here and will continue another 6 weeks in campus later. i will have new section-mates tomorrow and experiencing new lecturers too. in other easy word– i will turn into my nerd mode 🤓. tapi saya nerd version menarik, trust me 😂. and this is how i will end my 2020, with lectures that iam excited to enjoy. i got my first semester result’s few days ago and it was great– alhamdulillah. (won’t reveal here, but why dont you try ws-ing me. mana tahu kot kot saya terbukak hati nak share, tapi tak janji hahahaha)

so that’s how my 2020 and first semester in law studies look like. nothing fun but iam enjoying it.

iam glad for all the pains that i have been through, because those are the reasons why iam here today. the reasons that shaped me to become much more better Bella. to be clear– thank you for breaking my heart, atleast i could shine better !

i might focusing more on myself after this, but just let me know if you NEED me.

if you are asking for my last advice in 2020, i would say be kind, to everyone and especially to our souls. dont ever take things for granted. even we might think we dont, just think again. look at those people that provide times in their days just to make sure we are fine, go appreciate them– not only thank them. if someone seek for advices, let them feel needed, dont compare their problems with yours. if their thought would only end up with you ranting about your problems too– i dont wonder anymore why people choose to bottle it up. take care and dont forget to value yourself. just because you think you want it, it doesnt mean your soul need it too. feed yourself with what your soul need. if thing that you are working on drive you towards more bad things rather than good ones, think again– there is no reason to fight for that 🙂

since this will become this last entry for 2020, i would say that this is the greatest place for me to pour what i really feel without any need to explain longer. #energysaving. thank you for being part of it, i wuv you.

p/s ; special thank you for the human that always be there to teman me until 3am while iam doing my assignments or notes or just to fix my moods. thank you for making my life much more messier but also better 🤪.

Love,
Bella 💞.

^one of the evidences that iam enjoying there !