pouring.

not gonna lie— i have been quite sensitive this lately. i been observing and thinking a lot, i been predicting too much, i been wondering what will happen next, i been doubting me and i been comparing myself to anyone else.

easy to conclude– iam not living in the moment that iam currently in.

if you ask me what are going on in my mind, i can straightly answer ; the uni life. for some people who knows me well, this version of me might seem weird to them as they know how excited i was to enter my uni life. but behind those excitedness, iam also scared. iam also doubting.

— iam doubting whether iam ready enough to live on my own.

–iam doubting whether iam well prepared to compete with other people that i never know before.

–iam scared if i cant catch up the syllabus well.

–iam scared if i cant perform excellently in every test.

–iam scared if iam left out as the most “tak pandai” student, because wallahi i really hate to be in that kind of feeling. (read ; perasaan dimana rasa diri adalah orang paling tak pandai dan tak function)

if i have to list down all those thought(s) and all those “what if” that have been playing in my mind, i bet this gonna be the most longest entry (LOL 🤣).

but,
as what i said to my best friend before– in the end, there are billions of things that we cant control. and for all things that out of our knowledge and power, all we can do is letting Him decide it for us as pengetahuan-Nya much more better than ours.

worrying isn’t bad, but it wont help anything. it only makes us suffer twice. doubting isn’t wrong, but there is no anyone else that can believe in ouselves the most, except us. and feeling scared is normal as we are going to experience the new environment that we were never been there before, but we will survive. just how we survived before– no worries ✨❤.

and,
if you are currently in the same phase as mine, all i can say is it’s fine. as how i can get better day by day, and so do you. just hold on, and embrace the moment. all those hard days will end soon. iam saying these, not to underestimate your feelings. but iam saying these based on the fact that “a phase will seem much more easier after we survived it”.(alaaaaa, mcm skang ni. kalau adik2 mintak tips spm dari kita, kita mesti akan cakap “have fun”. sbb it seems easier for us. tapi masa kita nak spm dulu, kalau org ckp dkt kita “have fun” kita mesti rasa mcm “whaaaaaat ?!” haaa itu la perbandingannya). we can do this, i know. He wont put us there, if we arent fit enough to be there 💌.

but, besides those ketakutan dan keraguan– i sometimes smiled a looot, because iam proud. not only with myself, but with all of my friends. because two years ago, i never imagined us to be at where we are right now.

.

dear everyone yang tengah baca ni,
it isnt matter which path are you taking after this (or currently in), how long it is going to take you to graduate, which state you are going to berhijrah in, what scholorship are you in or even how popular your studying place will be–because those things cant describe you, it cant express the spirit that inside you, it cant explain what you have been through and the most important is it cant stop you from catching your dream(s). because your dream, will always be yours. no matter how long it takes you to finally achieve it, it will always be an achievement that you should proud on. dont let this stop you from dreaming. dont let this become your measurement of succeness, because it will never be.

“kalau nak bermimpi, biar sampai bintang. kalau tak capai bintang, jatuh atas langit pun cukup” – my Ustazah Zunaidah ❤

if you are written to get into your dream course and uni– then Alhamdulillah, good for you. but if it happens not as what we planned, just believe in Him. He knows what the best for us, and He will always know.

wherever you are going to berhijrah after this, i really hope that you take care of yourself well. dimana pun kita dicampakkan, semoga kita sentiasa menjadi manusia yang bukan sahaja berjaya namun turut menyenangkan orang lain. if you think you have done something that you shouldnt before, so now is the perfect time for you to start something that you will proud to look back, one day later.

dan dari lubuk hati yang terdalam, i will never stop proud-ing for having you guys as my friend. as what i told my junior before ; work hard, play harder !

p/s ; this entry might be quite messy compared the others, sebab otak saya pun dalam keadaan begitu 🤣, ampunnn.

p/ss ; kalau saya diajukan soalan “lepas masuk uni, akan terus menulis tak ?”, saya akan balas dengan senyuman je la. dan sejujurnya saya takde jawapan, buat masa sekarang. saya menulis pada asalnya untuk menghilangkan bosan dan meluahkan perasaan, bukan untuk dibaca oleh sape2, tapi yea– akan difikirkan di kemudian hari. because your girl is currently preaparing herself to work on her dream(s), doakan !

p/sss ; “so ni entry terakhir la buat masa ni ?”. dan juga takdek jawapan. saya menulis tanpa paksaan dan tekanan dari sape2. mungkin ada, mungkin takde. tak janji ❤. but thank you for reading walaupun kadang kadang2 mcm apo je saya menulis 🤣.

Love,
the girl that always write from what is inside her heart
Bella ✨.